2003-04-04 19:34 | Nocturne


...I waked up every night, to see the state I'm in. It's like an endless fight, I never seem to win...

One sunny afternoon.
The flickering sunshine makes its way straight into the noisy classroom. Through the crystal windows, I can feel the madly blowing wind beating unwearily, which would drive me disorder and disabled.

She keeps a corrected test paper in her hand swaying, then begins her dizzying speak. There's always a smile that will never slip off marked on her face, as if everything in this world is so uncomplicated.

She is not the same.
She looks so young though she's 33. And what makes me admire her is, she enjoys her lively heart. I don't think she will focus her attention on me, even if she does, that won't be too much. But to my great astonishment, she really knows me so clearly.
She said:"The only thing I don't understand of you is what you're thinking about. Perhaps it just belongs to yourself. You make me feel it true to be a distance between us. I know, you won't volunteer to do anything if anyone has you do it, but you'll do what you really want to do outstandingly, yeah?"
She stared at me, was eagered to see me arrive at a perfect finality.
I smiled reluctantly and she didn't go on to say a word for a while.

She was in tears, not having told why. But it was cleared up that she'd been in worse mood if anyone provokes her.
Turning around, I was considering that I should be confident of her overcoming the depression. I didn't drop my tears, as it's no use crying. I can't give myself one reason to cry for. For the recent poor mark? For the coming departure? Or just for the sense of void? Father called me the coldbloodeds, it's certain.

After the chemistry test.
SM stretched herself:"I will never study such bt chemistry again~"
"But how can I get rid of it?" I suddenly noticed my disability.
"Going abroad. To escape from the university entrance examinations." She blurted out without a sigh.
"It's easier to say than to carry out."

Finally I got the meaning of this word:"fantasy". Miss Wu said in front of the whole class:"If the direction above is there still for one day, you all sitting here will be in the charge of it for 24 hours."
No other choice? Except the unavailable one and the cruel one? The condition I described in my English composition "The position and money are not the most important, the truth of life is to enjoy yourself" is really not exist today on this land? Why must I ask the silly question. Perhaps I just can "paint pictures to cure the gloom" and "don't wonder what great achievement I will get any more".

After drawing ridiculous conclusions, chasing rainbows, I'm waken up now.
The right choice has been taken away from me.
The another choice given to me doesn't satisfied me at all.
I'd seek for chances on my own.

...I can't go on, as long as I believe. Can't let go, when I keep wondering...

4-4,2003 19:17 pm jN.EDDA in the weeping maiden