车上

2003-07-15 06:08 | Random

刚一坐下,我便预知了未来。我很清楚侧坐对我意味着什么,但环顾四周,已没有任何别的座位能容我回旋,而且……
车在颠簸,我的心在颠簸,对于一路到头的车子,是很难在中途接受我个人的变故的,何况身旁还有同行者,我不能麻烦他们,但,我心中的海平面,渐渐地在上升,我清晰地感觉到了它。
车窗外的景物飞逝而过,剧烈地晃动着,从我的视线里划走,我不知道我是否应该看着它们,因为我一闭上眼睛,就会让你觉得我又沉睡。恍惚间,又回到了过去的年代,每次去外婆家的时候,我总是和家里人闹别扭,总说为什么外婆不来看我,而我总得去看外婆,这个说法自然有些荒唐,但是妈妈,是否等你看到我掏心搬地倾吐和我下车后站在垃圾桶边呼吸新鲜空气的样子,你才明白我的感受。有些事,我不愿告诉你,我很希望你能理解,我为什么这么做。
思绪被打断了,陌生人的好意提醒却令我为难,我必须做一个高难度的动作:弯腰捡起落在地上的扇子。而在我认为,这些都是会导致海平面迅速上升的一个催化剂,其他,还有呼吸废气,以及……
每次乘车,总有人告诉我,怎么才能预防类似事情的发生。或许他们的方法也是有效的,但每个人总有不同,有些是要低温,有些是要交谈,有些不能看外面的景色,有些需要深呼吸,而有些,则需要吃陈皮。对于那些没有经历过的事,总是很难以理解和体会,就像正常人永远无法体会口吃患者的痛苦,能随时用语言来表达自己的想法,实在是一件非常快乐的事,而轻松度过在动荡车厢内的时光,也是一件值得期待的事。不知不觉间,我又闭上了眼。
如我所想,等我睁开眼时,一句玩笑又从耳边擦过,带着颠簸,消失在了空气里。我笑笑,却作了一件令我后悔的事情:往左边瞥了一眼。司机把右手放在了身旁的黑色摇杆上,我顿时感到头脑有些发涨,虽然我至今还不清楚那个黑色摇杆是做什么用的,但我每次看到它都会感到强烈的不安,所以,我便尽量不去看它,也不用去知道,它的用途。只记得小时候出去春游,我看着司机叔叔的手在黑色摇杆上拉来拉去,我的海平面便开始上升,而就是那次,你在我身边,拍了拍我的肩膀,于是,你在我视线的余光里生活了六年,消失了。
深呼吸,这是在没有陈皮支持的情况下我唯一能做的事情,虽然我知道这样的动作会被当成奇怪的行为,但我不得不这么做,因为我可不想等海浪冲破堤坝的时候再来作任何无意义的解释。很幸运,车比我想象的要开得快,转眼间便看到了熟悉的景色,再过不多久,就可以解脱了。紧闭的车窗又提醒了我,任何时候都不能掉以轻心,没有狂风袭面,我不能保证以后会怎样。这时候,海平面已经接近了极限。
车驶进了一个站里,如同曙光从云端射向大地,我的心情愉快无比,转头,看见高大的体育场就在不远处屹立,我也仿佛觉得自己又战胜了自己。不必犹豫,我快步下了车,双脚踏上大地的那时起,我感到了安全和新鲜的空气。
海平面渐渐地在下降,心里久久不能散去的,是那个黑色的摇杆,和你。

-



Twelve o'clock,
Along the reaches of the street
Held in a lunar synthesis,
Whispering lunar incantations
Dissolve the floors of memory
And all its clear relations,
Its divisions and precisions,
Every street lamp that I pass
Beats like a fatalistic drum,
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory
As a madman shakes a dead geranium.

Half-past one,
The street-lamp sputtered,
The street-lamp muttered,
The street-lamp said, "Regard that woman
Who hesistates toward you in the light of the door
Which opens on her like a grin.
You see the border of her dress
Is torn and stained with sand,
And you see the corner of her eye
Twists like a crooked pin."

The memory throws up high and dry
A crowd of twisted things;
A twisted branch upon the beach
Eaten smooth, and polished
As if the world gave up
The secret of its skeleton,
Stiff and white.
A broken spring in a factory yard,
Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left
Hard and curled and ready to snap.

Half-past two,
The street-lamp said,
"Remark the cat which flattens itself in the gutter,
Slips out its tongue
And devours a morsel of rancid butter."
So the hand of the child, automatic,
Slipped out and pocketed a toy that was running along the quay.
I could see nothing behind that child's eye.
I have seen eyes in the street
Trying to peer through lighted shutters,
And a crab one afternoon in a pool,
An old crab with barnacles on his back,
Gripped the end of a stick which I held him.

Half-past three,
The lamp sputtered,
The lamp muttered in the dark.
The lamp hummed:
"Regard the moon,
Lu lune ne garde aucune rancune,
She winks a feeble eye,
She smiles into corners.
She smooths the hair of the grass.
The moon has lost her memory.
A washed-out smallpox cracks her face,
Her hand twists a paper rose,
That smells of dust and eau de Cologne,
She is alone
With all the old nocturnal smells
That cross and cross across her brain."
The reminiscence comes
Of sunless dry geraniums
And dust in crevices,
Smells of chestnuts in the streets,
And female smells in shuttered rooms,
And cigarettes in corridors
And cocktail smells in bars.

The lamp said,
"Four o'clock,
Her is the number on the door.
Memory!
You have the key,
The little lamp spreads a ring on the stair.
Mount.
The bed is open; the tooth-brush hangs on the wall,
Put your shoes at the door, sleep, prepare for life."

The last twist of the knife.